If you’re human, the chances are that you’ve had a moment or two (or a hundred) when your emotions overtook your mouth and expressed themselves in a way you wish they hadn’t. Or, maybe, afraid of confrontation, you’ve had something you want to express that you’ve been keeping to yourself. You know all about those ‘over reactive’ people and you fear being one of them, so you keep quiet. This is a different approach to self-expression than lashing out, but it’s equally unhealthy, and the truth is that you and your emotions deserve better.

So, here are two tried and true guidelines for expressing yourself healthily and productively: 

1. Allow For Time and Space
   When something is bothering you, causing a weight on your shoulders or a tightness in your chest, it can feel urgent to talk about it immediately, but it’s in your best interest to take some time and personal space to put your feelings into words before you express them. Let’s say you’re unhappy with a comment your significant other made at dinner. Depending on how much it upset you, you may snap back right then and there, or you may hold your tongue the whole drive home, pouting until he or she asks what’s wrong, at which point a fight ensues.
   
   The fight happens partially because you didn’t give yourself the time and space to figure out what it was exactly that triggered your emotions, why it upset you, and a respectful way to communicate it. If you take time and space away from the incident to achieve clarity before choosing to express yourself, you’ll be much happier with the outcome. 
    
2. Communicate With Compassion and Empathy (AKA Non-Violent Communication)
   It’s human nature to view ourselves as the main character in the movie that is life. We are the protagonist, which makes whoever has upset us the antagonist. It’s not our fault that our instincts are to interpret a situation this way, but if we express ourselves with this attitude, the person we’re talking to is guaranteed to feel attacked.
   
   So, instead of using language that implies he or she did something wrong, use language that takes responsibility for your feelings and your reactions to their actions.
   
   For example:
   If a coworker says or does something during a meeting that makes you feel undermined in front of your boss, it’s very common to say something like: "You undermined me in front of Cheryl!" (Assuming your boss is named Cheryl).
   
   Another go-to accusation at a time like this is: "You made me feel undermined in front of Cheryl!"
   
   Though this may sound slightly better because you’ve made it about your feelings, you’re still claiming they made you feel a certain way, which puts all the responsibility on them and none on you.
   
   Remember, nobody can make you feel any way, nobody is that powerful. You can develop a more truthful and respectful way to communicate these emotions by using the Non-Violent Communication formula:
   
   1.Your observation 
   2. Your feelings 
   3. Your needs or values 
   4. The concrete action you’d like to be taken 

If we take your hypothetical conflict with your co-worker and use this formula to create a nonviolent way to phrase your emotions, it would look something like this:

1. I observed that you put your name on the slideshow presentation that both of us worked on.
2. I felt undermined and disrespected.
3. When I work hard on something, it’s extremely important to me that I receive credit.
4. In the future, please add my name to a project that I’ve been a part of.

Yes, this example may seem silly, or even petty, but it doesn’t matter, because no matter how big or small your conflict, using this formula to express yourself will be effective in making sure you feel heard while the other party feels respected. 

CONCLUSION:
With these effective communication guidelines, you won’t have to worry about lashing out or suppressing your emotions anymore. If, before going into an important conversation, you check in with your emotions and then consult the nonviolent communication formula, you’re likely to stay calm, hold your ground, and show that you respect both yourself and the other person. Walking away, you’ll feel proud of the way you expressed yourself.