Thirty-one-year-old Jacqueline W. has a unique story when it comes to parenting. Though unusual, what she learned from her experience can be useful for anybody trying to navigate the choppy waters of parenthood.

Growing up, Jacqueline felt that having kids would never be for her. She couldn’t imagine being able to handle the great responsibility that comes with bringing a new life onto the planet. When Jacqueline was twenty three and fresh out of college, her anti-parent plan was stronger than ever. She was working as a journalist and living alone in a studio apartment which she cherished for the simplicity and privacy it provided her with. She’d just broken up with her college boyfriend, and was looking forward to being single for a while as she ventured out onto a path of self-discovery. The last thing she was expecting was to meet and fall in love with Sam, a copywriter at a prominent ad agency. And it wasn’t just Sam who she immediately adored, but his three children as well. Yes, at 29 years old, Sam had three young children. They were 6, 4, and 3, and swept Jacqueline off her feet as soon as she met them. 

By the end of the year it dawned on her: she had accidentally become a parent. With their birth mother out of the picture, Jacqueline became their primary female caretaker, whether she was up for the challenge or not. And the thing is, she wasn’t up for it. She felt incompetent and unskilled in the art of parenting. She felt paralyzed by a fear that she would let them down or damage their delicate psyches in some way, as a result she noticed herself making the same mistakes over and over no matter how hard she tried. She realized that she had gotten herself in way over her head and she was drowning. She knew she had two options: leave, or commit and rise to the challenge. She loved these kids more than anything, so she chose the latter. 

Now, at thirty-one, Jacqueline reflects on all she’s learned as an unprepared parent. She knows there are infinite techniques to parenting, but this is what has worked for her:

• Always breathe
  Kids seem to have an endless supply of energy, which can be delightful at times and at other times completely exhausting, even frustrating. If you remember to breathe, you will keep yourself calm even when they’re chaotic. 
   
• Understand that it’s not personal
  Your kids love you, but they’re not always going to act like it. When they say hurtful things like “Go away” or “I don’t like you”, know that it’s not personal and retaliating will make it worse. When you ask them to clean up a mess and they don’t do it, it’s not because they don’t respect you, it’s just because they’re a kid. 
   
• Trust your gut
  Just because other parents are doing it doesn’t mean you have to. If there’s some parenting technique that doesn’t feel right to you, trust yourself to take a path less traveled. Just like you know what’s best for you more than anybody else does, you also know what’s best for your kids more than anyone else (in fact, the only person who knows your child better than you is themself, and when they’re old enough, a dialogue can open up about what feels right or wrong for them).
   
• Confidence is key
  Even if you’re insecure in your parenting skills, act confident. As a new parent, there’s really no better approach than to fake it until you make it. Displaying confidence will help your kid feel safe and strengthen their trust in you. Moreover, there’s almost nothing more important than helping your kid to feel confident. Tell them what you love about them on a regular basis, teach them that they can do anything they set their minds to, that they’re worthy of all good things. There is a mantra that encourages healthy self confidence in young kids that goes like this: I’m not better than anybody else, and nobody else is better than me.

Above all, Jacqueline says, the most important lesson she’s learned is that as parents we have to forgive ourselves when we make a mistake. Maybe you raised your voice when you shouldn’t have, or you were late to pick your kid up from school, or you chose McDonalds over a home cooked meal because you were just too tired, and maybe you do things like this more often that you’d like, but the sooner you can forgive yourself and move on, starting on a fresh page, the sooner you’ll have faith in yourself as a parent. There’s no such thing as the perfect parent, but as long as you forgive yourself for your parenting mistakes, you’ll always be on a path of progress.