Any parent or child caretaker knows that interacting with children isn’t always fun and games. They don’t always follow rules, they don’t always pay attention, and they almost never have the patience you’d like them to. As the   you have the ability to change or sculpt their behavior, but you know that using anger or over-controlling will do more harm than good. So how do you discipline your children effectively? How do you correct their wrongs without making them feel bad? How do you be gentle without letting them run the show? Here are three guidelines to help you teach, correct, and guide your kids instead of punishing them:

• Choose the right words
  When correcting a child’s behavior, the choice of words you use can make a dramatic difference, both on their in-the-moment response and their long term self-esteem. Just like when speaking to an adult, you should avoid speaking as if your word is gospel. Instead, express yourself exclusively from your own limited human point of view. For example, instead of saying, “You’re being disrespectful,” say, “I feel that you’re not respecting me,” and use then, as an opportunity to explain why others would also feel disrespected by this behavior. When it comes to words, always use kind and forgiving adjectives when talking about your child to his or her face. Calling him or her “selfish,” “spoiled,” “a brat,” “an idiot,” or any other negative, insulting term, is at best upsetting and at worst traumatic. Only refer to your child as an amazing person, a lovable person who can make mistakes. Teach him or her that every single person makes mistakes, and it’s all of our job to learn and try to do better next time. 
   
• Accept responsibility/set a good example
  The easiest way to lose your child’s respect is by being a hypocrite, by preaching without practicing. If he or she is acting in a way you don’t like, examine your own behaviors to see if you’ve accidentally set a bad example, or have done something to cause their actions. For example, if your child is in the habit of not listening to you when you speak, you may want to reflect on your own listening habits. Be honest with yourself: when your child is trying to get your attention, how do you behave? If you’re busy and can’t give them your attention, do you communicate this or do you simply ignore them? It’s possible that they’re developing their listening skills based on what they’ve seen you do. If they have a hot temper, it could be a reflection of how they’ve seen you handle frustrating situations. This isn’t a time to be hard on yourself, but instead to have compassion for your child’s difficult behaviors and adjust your own to set a better example. 
   

Taking care of a child--any child at all--has its joys and its challenges. Though sometimes you may lose your cool in response to your child’s chaotic behavior (you are human after all), what matters is that you do your best to have a healthy dialogue about what’s right and what’s wrong without pretending to be the moral authority. Earning your child’s respect will make him or her want to make life easier for you, not harder.